Edith

Today, after being a giant-ass failure in my own relationship, I started zealously observing other people who seem to be happily involved with their own long-term partners. This was not so much to acquire some helpful tips for my next endeavor, rather than to answer the only question that has ever plagued me in any relationship: is it all about nature or nurture? Is there a single thing I can do to improve my embarrassingly terrible run, or should I just limit any guy to a maximum of 2 dates, which seems to be the optimal amount for me anyway?

I am here to report after my studies that the 2-date limit is here to stay. The key to other people's happiness seems to be total nonchalance in situations where I would have surely stuck my chopstick into the other person's eyeball. The great thing about nonchalance is that it makes absolutely no difference whether it's sincere or feigned. As long as you can pull it off on the surface, that's all that matters. Even so, I cannot pull it off, ever. Whenever I get even the slightest bit bothered by something, my eyes start to gleam red immediately and my arms fold into this ironclad cross in front of my chest. And then I stare into some vague destination above everyone's heads and from that moment on, not a word enters my head for the rest of the day. I know that you guys are going to tell me for my own good that this is nurture and I can change myself for the better. But people, this is nature! I want nothing more desperately than to be that cool girl walking around going: I'm too cool for all this bullshit. But no, my friends. Bullshit to me is like those poisoned heating lamps to moths. Deadly. But totally unavoidable. Only the really cool moths get to survive.

Anyways it's all in the past now. It's like writing a book report after reading a Edith Wharton novel. What have you learned? Lots. How is it gonna help you in real life? Nobody knows, but man it sure is depressing.