The Question

[Synopsis: The apocalypse is upon us, let's all eat steak and die in Chanel.]

The holiday season is upon us, and brings with it the perennial question: To spend or not to spend? Since we are stuck in a historically gloomy global economy, the unemployment rate has risen above 10%, and things everywhere have generally gone to shit, most people are leaning towards: No. Buddhists everywhere are celebrating their victory, even though it's all due to no efforts of theirs. But if you ask me, I say Fuck the Buddhists (except you, Sandy, and you, Kathy). Every true Buddhist has died penniless, alone, and mostly from malnutrition. If there are certain Buddhists who didn't die that way, they were hypocrites and we all know that's way worse. When I was forced to study Buddhism back at NYU so I could graduate with some major, any major, I was told that giving up all desire is the only surefire way to eliminate humanly misery. What they don't tell you is that it's also the surefire way to eliminate all humanly happiness. What you end up with is total indifference at best, and only if you're really successful at it. At which point it makes total sense to just sit there and silently starve yourself all the way to enlightenment.

Today I ran around in San Diego in freezing wind and pouring rain. In the split second between opening my car door and opening my umbrella, the entire interior of my car was practically flooded and there was really no need for an umbrella at all anymore. The Economist says, Ha. Because don't forget, in stiff competition with homelessness and starvation, nuclear war and planet self-destruction are racing to get us. When someone discovers my fossil 10 million years later, the only thing I want them to say is, Damn, they were well-fed and well-dressed back then. I mean, god knows, nothing else I've ever done would've made the slightest difference.

That all being said, I'm going to make some ramen for dinner because, well, this is all just hypothetically based on the assumption there is money to be spent. Sooner or later Citibank is going to figure out that I'm not going to pay any of my bills and cancel all my credit cards.