Know How

A couple of days ago, in the midst of trying to pull my over-stuffed backpack out of my locker (yay, high school revisited) without breaking the strap, my cell phone ding-donged: I have a text message. Turns out, one of my best girl friends from New York got engaged over the weekend in Paris. (That's 2 out of 3, in case you're keeping count.) I tried to reply "OMIGOD CONGRATULATIONS (i knew it)!!!" but, alas, no cell reception. Thanks a lot, T-Mobile.

Way later in the day, I attempted once again to express my vicarious happiness, this time via facebook. Somewhere in the thread of messaging furiously, I got this paragraph on How To Get Married (or, How Not to Die Miserable And Alone):

"just find one who treats you well and you don't get annoyed at him and u find good things about him all the time unexpectedly. don't expect any goodness. just no drama, decent life, makes stable money and puts your needs in front of his (and you gotta put his in front of yours too, but somehow it happens naturally w/o your forcing yourself)."

Let's break this down, lawyerly fashion:

• "treats you well" - Totally subjective standard.
• "you don't get annoyed at him" - Talk about impossibility. But, for the sake of open-minded discussion, we keep going.
• "u find good things about him all the time unexpectedly." - I do find out things about men all the time unexpectedly. Do they have to be "good" things?
• "don't expect any goodness" - Oh, okay.
• "Just no drama" - I try.
• "decent life" - I think I might have been aiming for the wrong standard. Unless, "pimpin' awesomeness" is the same thing as "decent." Maybe it is in some cultures.
• "makes stable money" - by money, do you mean $? $$? or $$$? Even I think $$$$ is just too greedy. Is there such a thing as $$$$$? Only on Yelp.com, maybe.
• "puts your needs in front of his" - HAHAHAHHAHAHA. Ahem. Who does this actually happen to? (Other than my lucky friend, I mean.) And if this does happen, What When Who Where Why?
• "and you gotta put his in front of yours too" - Oh. I see. Hmmm.
• "but somehow it happens naturally w/o your forcing yourself."- Oh, good. I don't have to do any work. Awesome. Nature, I am waiting for you to kick in.

I am always being told that I am unreceptive to good advice. This is true. I am stubborn in my wrongness. Any advice how I can fix this?